Alright friends. Here we are. This is an effort I am going to make and I hope you all are going to like it. I am going to explain the entire world. One step at a time. You guys can send me a topic to explain. It can be anything in existence. A historical figure, animal, event, theory, imaginary object, movie, artist, conspiracy theory, ANYTHING. I will put every topic in a hat, and whenever I feel like making a new one, I will draw out of the hat. THIS WEEK: I took some topic ideas and put them in a hat, but I decided for the first chapter I am going to skip your topic ideas (some great, some terrible) and do as I please. This week I am going to bend the very way you look at everything. I am going to tell you that PLANTS EAT HUMANS.
Since the dawn of man, plants have been slowly killing humans, and for good reason. One of the main reasons plants kill humans is temptation, I think. I haven’t read the bible or been to church since the one time I went to church and had to sit next to a guy who smelled like balloons. You may be sitting there on your damn pedestal like “how does a guy smell like balloons and why is that bad?” And I wish I could more accurately describe the way this man smelled, but it smelled bad, it was most similar to the smell of a balloon, and I apologize sincerely for not being more accurate with my sense of smell. So yeah, the bible or whatever. Adam and Eve were born when god made Adam (dudes first, obviously) and then Adam did some freaky Marilyn Manson shit and pulled out his ribs because he wanted to perform autofellatio (more specifically giving himself a blowjob) but it turned out it made a woman so she could give him blowjobs! Adam was lucky there, but later they ate an apple I think which at the time seemed pretty fucking tempting but it turned out it was poison because plants don’t mess around. Now, apples might not technically be considered a plant but they are connected to trees and you just can’t really trust trees in the first place.
Adam died I think, and so did his blowjob queen.
FAST FORWARD TO THE NEXT SIGNIFICANT BIBLICAL EVENT: the filming of JUMANJI
99% of people didn’t see this part of the bible because the pages got stuck together because they were so aroused by the vivid blowjob scenes in the story of Adam and Eve. However, it definitely was in the bible and you’re an imbecile if you think I’m lying. The plot to “Jumanji” was there was a board game that some little idiot kid played with his dumbass friend and summoned the spirit of Robin Williams and their babysitter used to bang him before he got stuck in the game. Haha you guys remember the part where the kid became the monkey? Haha but seriously no time to laugh, let’s get to the facts:
1. That explorer character was very annoying.
2. Quicksand is another constant fear of mine.
3. There were a lot of evil plants and this one that looks like a butthole stabbed the babysitter with a poisonous barb.
So the facts are the facts. Two stories into the bible and there are already TWO mentions of plants killing/attempting to kill humans and no mentions of whether or not being gay is ok. Yet there are humans who are discriminating against gays and not plants.
Twitter dot com user @Why_yeezus says weed killed his Cousin Pepe, he’s pretty sure. I did some research on the topic and found out that Cousin Pepe did indeed die from weed (a plant) and I found the death certificate
There is a movie called THE HAPPENING, in which Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel struggle with an international problem, which is later revealed to be that plants and trees are releasing a toxic gas that causes people to kill themselves. Why? Once again, because humans are dicks. We think this might have to do something with how Mark Wahlberg said he would have stopped 9/11 if he were on one of the planes, which to be fair, we can’t really prove that he WOULDN’T have. Another possible explanation is that Zooey Deschanel is obnoxiously quirky and the plants were fucking tired of it. I’m quite frankly tired of it too, but I can’t really side with the plants here. I don’t want Zooey to die and I thoroughly enjoy “New Girl”. Eventually, it seems as if Wahlberg was able to stop the plants, kind of. But at the very end, a M. Night Shyamalan twist is thrown at you, and Mark Wahlberg didn’t really stop the plants! So, what we can learn from this is, Mark Wahlberg would’ve stopped 9/11, but could NOT stop plants. Plants are more dangerous than 9/11. We’re only breaking ground on the plant threat, too.
There is a “Goosebumps” book, and eventual TV episode, that directly deals with the plant problem. R.L Stine was a prophet, a great author, and a probable necrophiliac. R.L Stine was obsessed with horror in a non-normal way, which is anyway anyone is obsessed with horror, but this guy was obsessed with child-teenage horror. That just makes him so much weirder. And to add to it, he carried around a creepy ass suit case that contained all of his weird ass horror stories that blew away in some windy ass wind. Just not a stable human whatsoever and I pray for him everyday. Anyways, back to the real problem, the plants. So there’s this one where plants are bad. Well technically, plants are bad in all of them, because plants are inherently bad, but this one tackles the plant problem. This dad, who is a botanist, which is probably the worst job a human could ever have, has all these stupid evil plants in his basement that he experiments with. Dude is just a total dad. Eventually, these plants start controlling him. Now, there is no proof of whether or not the dad just went crazy or if the plants started controlling his mind (the more likely case in my personal opinion.) The dad eventually turns into a plant. Or clones himself into plant form. His children have a struggle figuring out which dad is the plant dad and which dad is real dad. They kill what they believed to be plant dad, but it’s still a strong possibility they didn’t kill the correct dad and plant dad still exists in the world. R.L Stine isn’t going to end his non-fiction stories without a cliff hanger, he is a genius/pervert. Plant dad might exist. Make sure your dad isn’t a plant. Ask him “hey do you like dirt” and if he says yes immediately murder him because he is a plant and do not look back.
Here is the part where things are about to get wild. I have never seen LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS until this moment. I am watching it. This will not be off of memory. I am going to watch this nonfiction film and report on it.First of all, I am very excited Rick Moranis is in it. He is one of the most controversial scientists of all time. He has shrunk children, was in the Ghostbusters, and I guess now he’s about to make a human eating plant so that’s not that chill on his part. The documentary opens with 3 women singing what seems to be the theme song in what looks like a run down city while it rains and everyone is sad and depressed while they dance around. I’m not sure what they’re excited about because this was in like 1986 and women still didn’t have any rights at the time. I’m not quite sure who wasn’t stopping them from doing this but it’s frustrating almost.
Then comes a shot of Rick Moranis just being ultra Jewish and nerdy and dropping plants. The radio comes on and they’re talking about John F. Kennedy’s press conference about the sun. I assume this is before someone blew his fucking brains out. A woman with large breasts who seems like an idiot comes into this shop and just acts like a stupid ass idiot and this fat guy is angry about something or other. The fat guy gets angry at black women because he is assuredly a racist.
We are now finding out the store (probably the previously mentioned Little Shop of Horrors) is on Skid Row. There are a bunch of homeless people singing now. About how life sucks! How about they get a job! Thanks a lot, Obama. We also find out Rick Moranis used to be an orphan before he got his job at this flower shop. He doesn’t like his boss. But he will take any job he can get at this point. He wants to get out of there. I have to assume he will. Because he is now a famous scientist.
Rick makes a weird-looking plant in the window and his boss is mad because it will probably never sell! He named it after the idiot chick (Audrey). As soon as it’s in the window some guy asks where it came from! Rick says he went to a Chinese plant store and when the eclipse happened this plant appeared. I gotta be angry at Rick for saying his hobby is “weird and interesting plants” because that’s a terrible hobby and he’s evil. The people think the plant in the window is “cool” because they are uninformed and the flower shop starts to become successful. God the late 80’s were annoying. The boss dude is now happy, I think Rick is in love with the idiot girl, and you find out the idiot girl is in an abusive relationship, and that the plant is sick (thank god, wish the plant just died and the story ended here). But nothing could prepare us for the unimaginable terror this plant was ready to commit.
Rick sings a song about how he wishes the plant would stop being an asshole. He finds out the plant FEASTS ON HUMAN BLOOD (like all other plants, low-key), and as he leaves the room and goes to sleep, the plant grows. There is a radio show the next day that Rick brings his plant into tell the people about. The plant is noticeably even bigger and stares at a woman’s ass. This plant literally tries to eat a woman’s ass. The plant is already a big enough asshole, but this radio show host is an even bigger asshole. Rick promotes the plant and the flower store. The idiot girl has a fantasy and sings about how she wishes she had a better life and it looks as if Rick is her dream husband in this fantasy. So poor Rick’s love isn’t going unrequited, she just fucks with this other dude because he is rich. Rick isn’t rich yet but he probably will get rich over his evil plant. Rick is feeding his plant his own blood and it’s growing very large. Idiot girl offers to go shopping with Rick because he dresses like a nerd. You find out idiot girls boyfriend is Steve Martin. Wow, turns out Steve Martin beats women and used to ride motorcycles and was a dentist. Now at this point you’re kinda hoping the plant eats Steve Martin because he’s overrated. But don’t let this singing asshole plant fool you regardless of how funky his tunes are.
This plant is asking Rick to feed him humans but won’t just eat Rick for some dumb reason. The plant is literally trying to rationalize his desire to eat humans. It’s disgusting. Now, I took the time to further research this movie, and found out that before the movie was released, for promotion, the plant was interviewed on multiple occasions. The plant ate the interviewers every time. Bill Murray gets a root canal from Steve Martin and gets sexual pleasure from it while Rick shows up with a gun to kill Steve Martin, presumably. But Steve Martin tries to give himself laughing gas because he thinks it’s funny and ends up killing himself. Didn’t know Steve Martin died but I guess he along with Adam and Eve, is another casualty. But I guess he didn’t really die from the plant. His corpse was just eaten by a plant.
So now, the idiot girl is out of her relationship and her and Rick sing and make out and it’s really weird because Rick is such a nerd and nerds normally don’t get babes in real life. But it happened here. Rick’s boss knows that he chopped up Steve Martin and fed him to the plant. The boss is angry and points a fun at Rick and walks him out of the shop because he wants him to tell the police. The boss proposes that Rick leaves town and lets him keep the plant. THE PLANT HAS OTHER PLANS. THE PLANT EATS THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF HIS BOSS. Rick Moranis becomes an international superstar. He’s on magazines for his gardening “prowess” but little do they know he’s actually a dick-head piece of shit who feeds his plant human beings. Rick offers the idiot girl to marry him and she says yes.
The plant is getting hungry again and calls the idiot girl on the phone. She becomes concerned and decides to go check the plant out. The plant kinda molests the idiot girl a bit because he is also a sex offender and then proceeds to try to eat her. Rick saves her and I’m not really sure how. I feel like this footage was doctored and the plant actually ate them. According to Jim comes along and offers Rick Moranis some weird scheme for Rick to make more of the plants but he disagrees and decides he wants to kill the plant.
The plant has a surprisingly good singing voice, but I’m not sure why they don’t just kill each other and stop singing. And then the plant does this thing where it tries to shoot Rick with a gun instead of just eating him. Which is scary on another level because plants can now use guns. The plant also pulls Rick’s pants off and punched him in the dick which is just cruel. Rick somehow or another manages to shock the plant with a wire and the plant explodes after saying “oh shit!”. Rick emerges from the rubble and him and his idiot wife live happily ever after. Pan to a shot of a little baby evil plant smirking. This movie taught us a few things:
1) plants CAN be killed by electricity but we can’t always rely on that to work.
2) “According to Jim” was a terrible sitcom but I’d perform sexual acts to the wife from that show.
3) Rick Moranis performed tens of horrible scientific experiments in the 80’s and 90’s and no one stopped him because he’s Canadian so it seemed like he didn’t really mean any harm.
Piranha Plant’s are another frightening form of plants. They are from the Mario universe and sometimes can BREATHE FIRE. They grow out of pipes which is just strange. Some pipes you can slide down into another world, but other times these things will come out and eat you IF YOU ARE ITALIAN. Some piranha plants would hatch from eggs, and even more frightening: some could walk. One Piranha Plant was actually named Petey Piranha and wore underwear and could talk. These things are terrible sons of bitches and haven’t been stopped to this day.
I have never read the Harry Potter books nor have I seen the movies. And if I have, I definitely wasn’t paying attention. I think these books are poisonous for the most part because they don’t have any male witches. There are plenty of wizards, but absolutely zero male witches. But, while doing my research, my twitter friends have informed me that Harry Potter is in fact not poisonous, and is in a lot of people’s cases, their first exposure to evil plants. There is a tree in Harry Potter called the whomping willow that just messes everything up. There was a car crashed into it and a bunch of nonsense. These trees attack anyone and anything that come within their range, and pose a very serious threat to humanity. I also found out there is a textbook at Hogwarts called “Flesh Eating Trees of the World”. I am trying to access this book and read it for further research, but right now I don’t have the time. There is another thing in the Harry Potter world called a Mandrake, which is a sort of humanoid root that screams so loud when it’s unearthed that it kills any human who hears it. Sounds incredibly dangerous, and we can conclude J.K Rowling knows about the plant threat. I tried reaching her for interview but she declined.
In the Batman universe, Poison Ivy is one of the most prominent villains. She is one of the most dangerous Eco-terrorists in the world’s history. She used toxins from plants and mind controlling pheromones to try and protect the environment (because she sucks). Her main goal was to try and protect the environment, and she was somehow in love with Batman even though she was one of his enemies. Does this make sense? No it absolutely doesn’t. She clearly was very confused with what she wanted. She once unknowingly saved Batman’s life because she didn’t understand her kissing power. He first kiss would poison a person, and the second one would be the antidote. I actually believe this is the case with every woman in the world, but with sex instead of kissing. But no one was really banging in the Batman world, unfortunately. That wouldn’t be politically correct. Hypothetically speaking, if I could bang Poison Ivy, regardless of her being a plant, I probably would. That could be her controlling my mind, that could be my testosterone, but I’m here to explain the science of evil plants, not sexuality. Anyways, she kissed Batman once to poison him, and then realized she loved him, kind of, and kissed him again as he was dying, so she accidentally revived him. Like, she loved him, but still wanted him dead. It was a really fucked up dynamic and sort of reminds me of my last relationship. Eventually, Poison Ivy became so plant-like, that she was actually 100% plant. She required CO2 and sunlight to survive. She just used such strong mind-control tactics that she could turn herself into a humanoid-ish form. What a bitch, am I right fellas?
Actual poison ivy, is also a pretty evil thing. Around the end of my senior year of high school, we had to open up the pool. I have a pool because of my upper middle class white privilege. But, white privilege acknowledged, dude… opening the pool every summer kind of fucking blows. We re-mulched a large hill held up by a retaining wall once every 2-3 years. When we re-mulched, we also weed whacked, cleared the area of shrubbery overgrowing my fence, etc. So, this fateful late-spring day, I had to clear a TON of weeds and plants. This, obviously, was my worst nightmare. Long story short, I got HORRIBLE poison ivy right before graduation. In my place of living, Maryland, there is a tradition of graduating high school seniors going to a trashy island that divides a bay and the Atlantic ocean called Ocean City. Most of the activities here include: statutory rape, trying cocaine for the first time, getting arrested, getting guns pointed at you, driving drunk, blacking out because you tried to smoke a bong with everclear in it instead of water. I somehow or another managed to not do any of those things. I had a semi-serious girlfriend at the time. The thing about the poison ivy I had, was, it was fucking terrible. It itched constantly. It was all over my arms, neck, chest, and face. I wasn’t able to spend much of any time in the sun without it becoming incredibly irritated. I looked like a fucking burn victim in every picture (no disrespect to burn victims, I’m probably uglier than you with no burns). The moral of the story is, poison ivy is terrible. Plants are evil.
There is a movie that was brought to my attention by a couple people on twitter called THE DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS. In this seemingly horrific movie that I don’t actually want to watch because I don’t want to worsen my panic attacks, there is a meteor shower that is so beautiful, 100% of the population watches. In result: 100% of the population goes blind. Somehow or another there are also flesh eating plants that walk around and feast on the human population, all of which are completely blind. Now, I don’t want to be eaten by flesh eating plants, but if I had to be, I guess I’d prefer to be blind. These plants cause fucking havoc and shut down a bunch of different governments, and I can’t really tell how it ends from reading summaries, but it seems like people weren’t having that great of a time.
Alrighty, here is the most twisted of all the things I saw. I will not summarize this completely. You can choose to watch it if you would like. But it is horrifying. Christmas, the best holiday, is now dark. Christmas tree’s are sick of being cut down, and will now cut humans down. Thank you to twitter user, and Missouri State’s starting left tackle @zackcooley72 for bringing this to my attention:
So… I have only given you a few major cases of plants being evil. There are millions more. I want to close off my examples, and now take the conclusion to a slightly different place. Botanists are also evil. I sent over 25 emails out to various ecology/botany professors at prestigious American universities asking if they could make a comment or answer a few questions. Only one, an unnamed UCLA ecology professor, responded with “Is this a joke?”. No this isn’t a fucking joke you piece of shit. You’re as bad as the plants. Hope you planned a fun funeral because your life is MISERABLE. I also put my phone number out on twitter for anyone to text, but said specifically “only botanists can text me”, so I trust that none of you broke that honor code. I got a text from an Illinois number saying “stop digging. you’re dangerously close to finding out too much – anonymous botanist”. He then proceeded to say “don’t even think of posting that article, we can find you.” I then called him a pussy and told him he wouldn’t. He said he has people everywhere, and by people he means PLANTS.
In conclusion, I was told to stop digging by a botanist. But I will not stop digging until the roots are on the pavement and all plants in the world are burning in a scorching hellfire. I will shovel through the green that you people call beautiful. I will cut down the amazon. I will shoot a bulbasar in the face with a shot gun in front of his venusaur mom, and have absolutely no regrets. I would like to note that the anonymous botanist thought he had control of the plants. He does not. The plants are controlling botanists and ecologists around the globe and we need to put a stop to this. Don’t let your friend take a botany class. It is a scheme by the government to let the plants take over so the president can decalre Martial Law. Band together, animals, and water, and whatever other things that aren’t plants. Think before you eat a salad. Stay safe, and learn a few spells that harness the power of electricity. Because as Rick Moranis showed us, only electricity and shovels can kill plants. One love. Follow me on twitter: twitter.com/dacmatic