I Went To A Curren$y Show And Overdosed On Weed

My friend asked me if I wanted to go to a Curren$y concert, I said yes. Regardless of if you care, I’m going to write about it because writing is fun.

I’m a casual Curren$y fan, which is like being a casual fan of seeing a raccoon dig through your trash: you only run into it every once in a while unless you’re looking for it. Yes, this was a pointless comparison and I could have used literally anything else to have this make more sense, but I’m really a fan of when raccoons dig through your trash and I try to see it happen once a day. The point is, Curren$y only gets spins in small circles, his mixtapes are consistently dope, but most of his best songs are never going to get near the dance floor. This probably isn’t going to be about Curren$y as much as it is going to be about myself, because I’m a psychopath who naturally makes everything about me.

I feel the need to disclose that I’m a very casual weed smoker. However, since this is a Curren$y show I was honor bound to drink all the alcohol and smoke all the weed I got my hands on. I used to be way more into weed, however that changed a few years ago when I smoked a bowl pack topped with LSD (unknowingly) and then a bear attacked my campsite. Understandably, I rarely smoke anymore, although I still eat edibles and I’ll occasionally smoke a joint. But enough with this chill ass teenage weed talk, back to the point.

Like all great adventures, mine started on a Thursday morning at ten thirty, when I was waiting tables at a dead end pizza restaurant that I will not name. Yes, this is what I currently do for a living. I worked that entire shift holding in my anger towards the assholes that wanted shitty pizza, rationalizing the experience as the only way I was going to get a ticket for the show, and acquire the alcohol and weed. The shift was made worse due to the fact that I left my phone at home, making it impossible to vent my frustrations about the fuckshit that surrounds me on Twitter. When I got home the squad (ok the squad is myself and my internet friends leave me alone) took turns taking selfies using inanimate objects as our phone, which was a great way to get over the soul crushing experience of selling shit food for five hours.

I spent the afternoon at my local bar “The Point”, a bar on the Magothy river where you can get $2-$3 beers during happy hour, including Dogfish Head’s 60 minute IPA for $3 (it’s normally $6.50 because it’s very good you should drink it). This is a shameless promotion if for some reason decide to visit Annapolis, Maryland, which is not a good idea and I am sorry. Around six I went to my friends house, where we got drunk, played Xbox, and of course, tweeted. Also my friend cut the bottle caps off our beers with an Ali Baba sword, which was incredible and I am so happy I got to experience it.

After an hour and a half of friendship, we headed out to Baltimore, drinking and smoking on the way (sorry Mom). You should not do what I do, I am aware that my lifestyle is dumb, trust me I know (once again, sorry Mom). We ended up making it to Baltimore at around eight thirty, although most of the drive was a complete death trip, I’m still not sure how we survived. To celebrate, we did shots for half an hour.

Security was surprisingly strict, but don’t worry, putting drugs in your shoe is still undefeated. After getting inside, we head straight to the bar, because god knows I need a $6 Miller Lite right now. I then promptly forgot I had bought the $6 Miller Lite when I saw some friends who had come up on their own (the true moral of this story is that friends are garbage and make you lose bear) and got distracted. Too drunk to actually care, I showed the bar what was up by buying myself a $6 Yuengling and telling myself it was an upgrade.

The opener was some guy we decided was Joey Badass, since he looked like him, and of course, was not good (he was actually worse than Joey, which is impressive in the way that mankind’s capacity for horrors is impressive), and got zero crowd reaction. I understand opening acts are mostly wack, but I deeply believe in the rule that you should nod your head at rap concerts unless they’re next level terrible. To spice up the Joey Badass listening party, the kid right behind me passed out, and right after I helped him up, he passed the fuck out again and security kicked him out. It was surreal and hilarious to experience.

As “Joey” was leaving, he straight up apologized to the crowd for being too dope, which is one of THE dopest things I’ve ever heard anyone say. I’ve been to many rap concerts in my life, and I might be the only person who appreciates the between when the opener and the main act. People rev their energy up a little, while a DJ plays a bunch of popular rap songs, and good times are had. However, everyone seemed too fucking high to enjoy it, even when I preformed an act of human kindness and did the finger scissor dance when K-Camp’s “Cut Her Off” came on. Like not-Joey Badass, I was just too dope for these people.

Eventually, a DJ came on stage, people put a few banners up with Curren$y’s name on them (one which had a portrait of Steve Carrell, because fuck it, why not), and Curren$y immediately came out and started rapping. People went crazy and started singing every word… Much to my surprise considering how previously Wack this crowd seemed to be. Props to Curren$y, because his live performances sound EXACTLY how he does on his records, which is nearly unheard of in rap. He didn’t *seem* to have a hype man, but I was pretty far back and solely focused on him. He never missed a single word from any song, and had fantastic breath control the whole time.

The only real complaint about Curren$y’s performance I have is that he kept cutting the beat out and rapping acapella. This is a cool thing to do every once and awhile, but he did this on literally every song. I’m very high and drunk (Mom please stop reading), I want to hear the goddamn beats. The beats are what push me over the top, have you heard Car Talk? But it was fine, nothing too annoying, just a slight flaw in his otherwise good showmanship.

There were these two girls behind me who were pretty average looking but I kept staring at them because I have a bad staring habit. I wanted to dance with them but I also realized the fact that I was too high to interact with strangers so I declined in my head (Mom it’s ok I am fine). As a non-professional concert reviewer, the amount of pretty girls I see at a show can be pretty important to me, and there were barely any pretty girls at this Curren$y show. Although it is Baltimore, and I was mostly confined to one area, but this was something that slightly bothered me. Did I mention that I was both drunk and high?

Smoke DZA came out and it took a solid 5 minutes for me to realize it was him. He did “Hearses” (his song with the “rapper” Ab-Soul) and it was very very dope. I think he did another song but he eventually left the stage and Curren$y continued killing it, which was kind of strange, but whatever. The show itself ended pretty abruptly, and Curren$y barely talked to the crowd outside of asking for joints, so his last song just suddenly came, and then the show was just over. I didn’t even know the last song he performed, I just remember being sort of disappointed with it being his last. The bright lights came on, he threw shirts into the crowd, walked around the stage and signed whatever people gave him, which was pretty cool of him, considering for the most part rappers usually just walk off the stage.

My friends and I walked out, and begun our trek home. As my friend was paying for our parking garage ticket, he had to stand in a line. A girl dropped her purse without realizing it, so he said “hey you dropped that”. This might sound uneventful, but my friends and I sitting in the car for some reason thought it was hilarious, and cracked up, especially when some guy she was with mean mugged us for a solid 30 seconds as we continued to laugh. Also some guy was rap battling Smoke DZA on the street as we were headed out. We left and got some Taco Bell on the way home, where I got back to Tweeting.

The show was a good time, although I tmight have hyped myself up a little too much for it, and the crowd itself was kinda wack. I might have a warped perspective considering my last shows were all at Bonnaroo, but some of the people at Curren$y just generally weren’t very cool to be around. People were sleeping with their heads on tables, and passing out left and right. I’m not gonna start grading shows like I have that type of authority, but I’d give this show a solid 7/10. I had a lot of fun and Curren$y was great, but Baltimore is a terrible place.

you me and ghosts

Let me start this off with a factual statement: ghosts are real. Accept it. There is no getting around it. This is not important. What’s important is: what is up with ghosts? Are they chill? Are they not chill? What exactly are they thinking? I will answer that for you.

Ghosts are both chill and not-that-chill, pending the entity. So when you die, you get trapped in the spirit world. The spirit world is another world that is happening around us without us realizing it. Ghosts are basically what happens when the energy you built with your human body is so strong, that the spirit world you is present in both the spirit realm, and the human realm. Also; I think the spirit world is what happened when you used the mirror on “Link to the Past”. So that’s that.

I have experienced ghosts many times before. A lot of people ask me “why do you experience ghosts and we don’t?” And the answer is simple: I am half dead and can channel spirits from the spirit world. It’s really not that big of a deal so before you freak out over it just chill out for a second. Anyway, I’ve seen lots of ghosts.

My first ghost experience was when I was 8, in my grandmas basement, where her mother lived for 30 years before passing away, and then for all eternity after passing away. Me and my brother used to go down there and play, but what he didn’t know was, I was hanging out with my great grandmothers spirit the whole time. She would move things off of shelves and bang on a drum set and turn off the lights to let me know she was there, and I thought it was pretty chill of her. Her ghost was definitely chill.

There are also not-chill ghosts though. As much bullshit as this probably is for all of you to read, this story I’m about to tell is completely without parody. There is a place around where I live that used to be a mental hospital, and eventually was used as a tuberculosis hospital. They cremated the sick people there so the disease would not spread any further. Anyways, this place is haunted as all fucks. My step dad works for the state, and can access any place he wants to. This place is closed to the public and cops patrol it and use motion censors to stop people from going in, because a) a massive amount of asbestos b) the building is crumbling and very dangerous to walk through c) a lot of people get high in there. They are completely ok with my step dad walking around certain areas of this large facility. First things first: we arrive. I look at the building and am terrified. We approach the building and I am terrified. We walk onto the property, I feel dread. I don’t know how many people have ever felt pure dread, but I felt it that day, and I will never forget it. My stomach felt like it was going to explode and I knew this place was completely evil. We walk around the building and there are fans turning. There has been no electricity at this building in 50 years, and there was absolutely no wind. We walk into the building, there is ice on the walls (again, no electricity, it’s the middle of July). Our cell phones not only lost all service, but completely stopped working. My mom took many pictures, and in the only picture of me (outside of the building), my head is completely misshapen and miscolored, honestly looked like something out of “the Ring”. This picture my mom took, made me so scared, that I demanded to go back to the car and sit by myself. I walked back, and the entire time, I heard foot steps behind me. I assumed at this point that my mind was playing tricks on me and I was just freaking out, but I swear I saw a woman and a little girl following me all the way back across a field until I started running. I got back in the car and calmed myself down until my family returned. As they returned, I shit you not, they ask me “was that family trying to get onto the property? It sounded like they were asking you questions”. THAT FAMILY WAS A FUCKING GHOST FAMILY. A GHOST FAMILY WAS TALKING TO ME AND ASKING ME QUESTIONS THAT MY PARENTS SAW AND COULD HEAR. We don’t talk about this day very much because it genuinely was the scariest day of my life, but that place was pure evil, and I think something dark rested in my soul that day, that remains in my soul.

Anyways, some ghosts are fuckheads. Casper the friendly ghost was definitely dope for sure. Another dope ghost was the ghost that haunted my old neighbors mummy toy. I think it was a ghost from ancient Egypt considering he possessed a mummy toy, but this mummy toy used to walk around his house and follow me and throw hot wheels around. The mummy thought cars were dope and that’s dope.

Anyways, that’s all I wanted to say.

here’s some nonsense i wrote in my iPhone notes when i was drunk and pretending to text someone

I read a bunch of books, and here’s what I learned:

Words are a complicated thing. Words are chill. I can use words in order to make myself seem chill, and I do. Reading these first few statements, you probably think I’m pretty chill. I have read books before and in reading those books I learned things that cannot be explained simplistically. There are metaphors and shit that make life more interesting sounding and shit. Things can be pretty profound but at other times, they can be pretty not profound as well. I have read many stories and tales and poems and epics and the most important lessons I was taught in these stories and tales and poems and epics was certainly the one about the cyclops. I think it was about how some guys went and were hanging out with the cyclops and they got him high and then murdered him in cold blood. The cyclops’ family chased the men and eventually the main guy fucked a harpy I think. Or maybe it was a siren. It is a everlasting debate on whether it was a harpy or a siren.

On another note, I have seen a lot of movies based on books that I never read because the books probably sucked. “Divergent”, and “Harry Potter” most recently. “Divergent” and “Harry Potter” have literally the exact same plot. It’s hard to fault J.K Rowling for this because unless she went to the future and stole the idea from whatever weirdo lonely old woman wrote “Divergent”, the whole idea was probably stolen from her subconsciously. I mean, the whole picking a side thing, the whole fighting against the establishment thing, it’s all written, it’s all done, it all sucks. These books are written for teens because teens are idiots.

I read a book once called “Slaughterhouse Five” and I got a tattoo on the basis of this book because my grandpa has the exact thing written on his gravestone, as it was his favorite book, it is mine. This book changed my life, as it did his, but he did much greater things in his life than I will do in mine. He set Wisconsin state records in pole vaulting, the only pole vaulting I do is into women I meet on tinder. Which is a lie because I’ve never done that, but you believed I did for a split second because I wrote it.

Yes, these are incoherent rambling a, and no I do not care if you don’t want to read them. The thing about writing is: sometimes it’s better off not being read. Especially when said writing is written by me. I have read a lot of books and they all were cool. This is profound.

A Dining Experience

The tale begins, as any poem should
A basketball player in California, Inglewood.
October 13th 1977, 21 years later drafted, eventually played with a guy named Kevin
Kevin was an asshole, a real rude dude, no dinner time with him because he was a real rude dude
A real rude dude put him in a crude mood, and his friend ray was on twitter “send them nudes”
Ray wanted her to switch from his genitals to his tongue,
Meanwhile our hero just wanted some cheddar biscuit buns
Pierce was the name, Kansas graduate, 3 point ace
Piece’s name was ironic when a knife pierced his face
The Boston 3 party, was hardly a party to Paul
He already partied hard enough at Red Lobster, y’all
He’d walk in the door, tell the hostess “thanks”
He’d sit on a bench and stare at the tanks
His teammates out at the club, driving their vehiculars
While he ignored and said “I want that lobster!” To no one in particular
The saddest part of all, in the middle of the tale:
the lobster was for show, and was not for sale
Paul cried and cried, and asked to speak to the owner
While people stared “wow Paul is a loner”
He settled, and asked for the broiled seafood trio,
But then changed his mind, he wanted seafood Portofino
He questioned his choice again, and he started to shake
“NO I want the Bar Harbor Lobster Bake!”
Little did he know that this seafood was fake,
And he’d eventually play in Washington and eat real crab cake
He didn’t care, he wanted garlic grilled shrimp
“Ay this Parrot Isle Jumbo Coconut Shrimp got me feeling like a pimp”
He once took his wife on a date there, just to astound her
He ordered shrimp linguini, she ordered seafood stuffed flounder
He loved it, she didn’t, she said it was “so bad”
But he stared at her legs, and thought of the legs of a steamed snow crab
Paul spent over a thousand more than Red Lobster’s average buyer,
He ordered 5 bar harbor salads as his appetizer
This is just the beginning of the creation of a monster
Paul Pierce is dope, and he loves his red lobster.

Spam Rap Review: Sophisticated Ignorance – YaBoiM.O.E

The premise of this, is uh, fuck spam rappers. You can’t tweet the words “mixtape”, “beat”, “trap”, “hip-hop” without some struggle rapper popping up in your mentions ruining your entire day asking you to listen to their mixtape. So I decided it’s time to give them their publicity and sick satisfaction. I’ll listen to your mixtape. I’ll listen to any mixtape tweeted at me (unless this becomes like, a real thing, which, with my writing skills it probably will not), and I will review the mixtape to the best of my skills. If you’re a clown, I’m going to clown you. If you’re good, I’ll put on for you. My co-sign or hatred of your music means absolutely nothing. And ironically, it doesn’t from actual good writers either.

For the first edition, and likely a few more, I’m going to have to search for mixtapes to listen to. There is nothing in the world easier to find than a mixtape on the internet. I find mixtapes on the internet easier than I find my own two hands. The best way to find these mixtapes, other than accidentally, is to just do a quick twitter search: “check out my mixtape”. I immediately found this dude. His name is YaBoiM.O.E, and according to his twitter name and bio, he is #Top10 in the Bay Area, and he hails from East Oakland. His bio says he makes beats, but this mixtape, which I found on DatPiff entitled Sophisticated Ignorance, is produced entirely by a fella named Rell Owenz. This mixtape stuck out because he tweeted his new song at literally every human on twitter, so I couldn’t dig through his tweets to find any other mixtape. Solid strategy, just completely flooding the market.

Much like Illmatic, Sophisticated Ignorance only has one feature. This feature is some guy named Breely Mac, who I’m sure is on AZ’s level. Following, is the track by track review.

Intro

The intro to Sophisticated Ignorance is YaBoiM.O.E talking over a DJ Mustard-esque synth & bass heavy beat. He explains literally 10 times, that this mixtape is not only sophisticated, but ignorant. Just when you start to forget that it’s both sophisticated and ignorant, he explains that when you really, sit down, and just THINK ABOUT IT, and REALLY DIG IN, you start to notice it’s both sophisticated and ignorant music. I guess that’s why he named the mixtape this. Because it is sophisticated and also ignorant. Both of them. Gotta listen to the words to notice this.

Spoiled Lyfe Logo

We were lucky enough to get a video for this track. This is another DJ Mustard-esque beat. I’m gonna go ahead and guess mostly every beat on this mixtape is exactly like this one. People are riding YG’s wave following his critically successful My Krazy Life. However, YaBoiM.O.E is no YG, and Rell Owenz is no DJ Mustard, with all due respect. This track is about how women are twerking, or doing whatever they’re doing, for the Spoiled Lyfe logo. The Spoiled Lyfe logo, pretty much looks like the St. Louis Cardinal’s logo, but worse. I’m not sure of what it means but I’m sure it’s something. He mentions how girls are twerking on vine and posting selfies on instagram but only getting like two likes. Which, I agree with YaBoiM.O.E here, is pretty pathetic. He makes an Antawn Jamison reference that got me off my seat until I realized he basically said “Antawn Jamis'” which isn’t a proper way to say Antawn’s name. I felt like it was disrespectful to Jamison and it was a reach for a rhyme. He later mentioned, to the general population that he’s looking down on, that their girl was fellating them with a condom on. Which is essentially being friendzoned. If you’re getting blown while wearing a condom, you’re still in the friendzone. No way around it. This song definitely bangs, but the ad-libs need work. He did a good job riding the beat but the ad-libs almost got annoying. Insanely annoying.

No Play All Pay (ft. Breely Mac)

Another one of the same exact beats. This song comes out of left field, it is very surprising that the song is about how he doesn’t play and only gets paid. The first verse is littered with football related sexual innuendos. He’s putting it in her gut like a quarterback, hitting the hole like a running back. The chorus is catchy enough, as it is just repeating the name of the song. Breely Mac comes on the track like he’s Flint Flossy, whispering and sounding like a sexual predator. I want to do a background check on Breely Mac, because that guy has at least 10 rape cases if we’re basing it off rapping style. One of the highlights of this track, is on YaBoiM.O.E’s second verse, he says “I’m in that Yaris but I whip it like a Lexus”. We can all relate to his struggle there.

#Hashtag

Another FL studio struggle beat with a bunch of claps and low piano generated bass. I however, think this is the absolute highlight of the tape. All the women love him because they know he’s an asshole, but he wants to see if she can make it clap tho. The title is very relevant in #SocialMedia and #Branding. He makes another reference to driving a Yaris, and says this time that it feels like a McLaren. At this point we have to take his Yaris references seriously, because you don’t mention a Yaris on a mixtape multiple times without being completely serious about driving one. I admire his honesty in a mixtape that’s mostly about being a baller. Self-depreciation is ironically, appreciated from me. He also has a line about how he plays with pens like he’s Crosby, which I thought was marginally clever. #Hashtag.

Lose Sumthing

This mixtape is so poorly done that this song wouldn’t stream, nor download from datpiff.

It’s So Easy

This song refreshingly, doesn’t sound like another DJ Mustard beat. But I’m also under the impression that Rell Owenz didn’t really produce this one, and just bought it from another producer on the internet. I have no right to accuse Rell of doing such a thing, but that’s just my first thought. This beat is actually kind cool. It’s spacey and almost airy. YaBoiM.O.E completely tarnishes this beat, while his bars are OK enough, the chorus is pretty much him naming things and saying “it’s so easy”. I can tell you now, that repeating the title of the song as your chorus isn’t a good idea.

Like Me

After hearing this song, I think I’ve come to the full conclusion that Rell Owenz bought at least half of these beats. The tracks are opening with a producer tag with a name, that while unrecognizable, definitely isn’t the name “Rell Owenz”. I’ll just move past that, and try to enjoy this song. But I can’t because it’s terrible. I’m at the point where I don’t think YaBoiM.O.E is ever going to switch his flow. He has used the same flow the entire mixtape and it is incredibly boring. While, at this point I’m enjoying the music more than I expected to, it’s generally pretty shitty because of his inability to switch his flow. Aside from my complaints about his flow, the chorus, once again, is fucking God awful and makes me want to be dead.

 

Final thoughts: this mixtape had another 5 more songs listed on its tracklist. Unfortunately enough: NONE OF THOSE SONGS WERE PROPERLY UPLOADED. The entire rest of the mixtape didn’t work. I don’t know if I should blame datpiff, YaBoiM.O.E, or Rell Owenz for this insane mishap, but it’s super disappointing that no one even checked to see if the mixtape properly streamed or downloaded. I have to assume someone didn’t even convert the file type. I have to assume if you think it’s a good idea to aggressively spam your mixtape, you’re probably not intelligent enough to properly upload your music to the internet. So instead of spamming the tape, just go ahead and don’t upload any of it. Because it’s terrible.

YaBoiM.O.E impressively, doesn’t live down his place of living. The whole mixtape is very East Oakland hip-hop. I mean, it’s like East Oakland hip-hop if you bought East Oakland hip-hop at the Salvation Army. Nevertheless, I’m glad he stuck to his roots and didn’t stray from the sound he knows. A lot of rappers these days want to be from New York or Houston, but YaBoiM.O.E puts on.

This is a perfect mixtape to listen to in your Yaris while driving around, going about 10 miles under the speed limit because you don’t want the cops to pull you over because you drank a bottle of Popov and have a gram of dirt weed in your center console. Now, who’s to say if that’s a good thing? I am. It’s not. This mixtape didn’t feature very much (any) good music and half of it is nonexistent.

 

I give YaBoiM.O.E’s Sophisticated Ignorance:

2 CANS OF SPAM OUT OF 10

You, Me, and Fingerblasting

It’s been long overdue. I’ve tried numerous things to write about, and I couldn’t work it out. I listened to “We Made It (remix)” by Drake and Soulja Boy for 24 straight hours, and the article I attempted to write about it was just complete mush, as was my fragile little brain. I attempted to write about the history of chairs, but it mostly just turned into me talking about mummies for some reason or another. I expect this to be the same, but it’s about fingerblasting, so I can’t really make a wrong turn.

The first time I ever heard of fingering in a real life situation, was probably in 7th grade. I was pretty well sexually educated at that age, I watched a TON of cinemax, but I didn’t quite understand the concept. One of my best friends at the time came up to me and said “hey, I’m gonna try to finger this girl at relay for life (a charity event where the middle school cool children get to spend the night in a big tent and like, make out with girls and stuff) this weekend”. I said “no way”. Because we were in seventh grade and that wasn’t even a thing yet. He went around the school telling mostly everyone about his plan. I never thought he would follow through with it, but according to everyone who went to the charity event that I passed on because I was afraid of girls, he did exactly that. It was mostly evidenced by the fact he told everyone he did, and made his bros smell his finger. No one can ever truly be sure if those two pre-teens engaged in said act that summer night, but it’s very possible. He described it as “crusty”, and I thought he was the coolest kid ever.

The first human to ever fingerblast a woman was Gregori Rasputin. I know I bring him up a lot in my teachings, and that’s because he’s probably the most important historical figure of all time next to God and Rick Moranis. Gregori Rasputin was basically fingering the living shit outta Tsar Nicholas II’s wife, Alexandra. He had an incredible amount of influence over the Romanovs, and that led to him basically telling Nicholas II that he was gonna finger his wife and Nicholas II had no idea what fingering was, so he let it happen. Rasputin did this act because he was magic, so obviously he had magic fingers. It made the women very satisfied. Surprise.

My history with fingerblasting is complex. I’m not much of a ladies man and no one wants my creepy long fingers in or around their vagina. The first time I fingered a girl, I’m not going to say when or where it was, for the sake of her anonymity (she’ll never read this and probably hates me anyways), but alas, we were kissing (probably poorly) and she said to me “hey, you should finger me”. I had no idea how I was supposed to go about doing this. I just crammed two fingers up there and went to town. I was confused. And she didn’t seem to enjoy it. I googled how to improve my fingering skills and quickly became fingerblasting regional champion 3 years running, until an early retirement. I’m basically the Barry Sanders of fingerbanging, is what I’m saying. I didn’t retire from fingerbanging, but I retired from competitive fingering.

In high school, I was as awkward as I currently am. So I played a lot of guitar hero and spent a lot of time on the internet. If you want to improve your fingering skills, you should play guitar hero until you’re expert or take typing classes. I have quick extremely long fingers and my fingerbang game is on 100 from these exact things. Being awkward pays in the fingering game. Mostly.

One time I went to an electronic music concert and took drugs. Said drugs will go unnamed, but just know for that day, I REALLY liked electronic music and dancing. A pretty girl danced with me, which was amazing in the first place, but then to add, kept pushing my hands closer and closer to her crotch, until I was eventually in a large crowd, fingerbanging a girl to some sick ass dubstep drops. If you wake up one morning and say “hey, I wanna fingerblast a girl today”, I 100% give my full co-sign to electronic music concerts as the place where you are most likely to be able to fingerblast a girl. Any festival will do really. Just watching Coachella streams has my fingers twitching.

Anyways, I just wanted to talk about fingering for 800 words or so, and you got it. Here it is. It’s disgusting and I hope none of you think less of me for it. But at the exact same time, I don’t care. I hope you enjoyed it. I’ll write about something less immature in the near future.

Stop Plants 2014

Alright friends. Here we are. This is an effort I am going to make and I hope you all are going to like it. I am going to explain the entire world. One step at a time. You guys can send me a topic to explain. It can be anything in existence. A historical figure, animal, event, theory, imaginary object, movie, artist, conspiracy theory, ANYTHING. I will put every topic in a hat, and whenever I feel like making a new one, I will draw out of the hat. THIS WEEK: I took some topic ideas and put them in a hat, but I decided for the first chapter I am going to skip your topic ideas (some great, some terrible) and do as I please. This week I am going to bend the very way you look at everything. I am going to tell you that PLANTS EAT HUMANS.

Since the dawn of man, plants have been slowly killing humans, and for good reason. One of the main reasons plants kill humans is temptation, I think. I haven’t read the bible or been to church since the one time I went to church and had to sit next to a guy who smelled like balloons. You may be sitting there on your damn pedestal like “how does a guy smell like balloons and why is that bad?” And I wish I could more accurately describe the way this man smelled, but it smelled bad, it was most similar to the smell of a balloon, and I apologize sincerely for not being more accurate with my sense of smell. So yeah, the bible or whatever. Adam and Eve were born when god made Adam (dudes first, obviously) and then Adam did some freaky Marilyn Manson shit and pulled out his ribs because he wanted to perform autofellatio (more specifically giving himself a blowjob) but it turned out it made a woman so she could give him blowjobs! Adam was lucky there, but later they ate an apple I think which at the time seemed pretty fucking tempting but it turned out it was poison because plants don’t mess around. Now, apples might not technically be considered a plant but they are connected to trees and you just can’t really trust trees in the first place.
Adam died I think, and so did his blowjob queen.
FAST FORWARD TO THE NEXT SIGNIFICANT BIBLICAL EVENT: the filming of JUMANJI
99% of people didn’t see this part of the bible because the pages got stuck together because they were so aroused by the vivid blowjob scenes in the story of Adam and Eve. However, it definitely was in the bible and you’re an imbecile if you think I’m lying. The plot to “Jumanji” was there was a board game that some little idiot kid played with his dumbass friend and summoned the spirit of Robin Williams and their babysitter used to bang him before he got stuck in the game. Haha you guys remember the part where the kid became the monkey? Haha but seriously no time to laugh, let’s get to the facts:

1. That explorer character was very annoying.

2. Quicksand is another constant fear of mine.

3. There were a lot of evil plants and this one that looks like a butthole stabbed the babysitter with a poisonous barb.

So the facts are the facts. Two stories into the bible and there are already TWO mentions of plants killing/attempting to kill humans and no mentions of whether or not being gay is ok. Yet there are humans who are discriminating against gays and not plants.
Twitter dot com user @Why_yeezus says weed killed his Cousin Pepe, he’s pretty sure. I did some research on the topic and found out that Cousin Pepe did indeed die from weed (a plant) and I found the death certificate
There is a movie called THE HAPPENING, in which Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel struggle with an international problem, which is later revealed to be that plants and trees are releasing a toxic gas that causes people to kill themselves. Why? Once again, because humans are dicks. We think this might have to do something with how Mark Wahlberg said he would have stopped 9/11 if he were on one of the planes, which to be fair, we can’t really prove that he WOULDN’T have. Another possible explanation is that Zooey Deschanel is obnoxiously quirky and the plants were fucking tired of it. I’m quite frankly tired of it too, but I can’t really side with the plants here. I don’t want Zooey to die and I thoroughly enjoy “New Girl”. Eventually, it seems as if Wahlberg was able to stop the plants, kind of. But at the very end, a M. Night Shyamalan twist is thrown at you, and Mark Wahlberg didn’t really stop the plants! So, what we can learn from this is, Mark Wahlberg would’ve stopped 9/11, but could NOT stop plants. Plants are more dangerous than 9/11. We’re only breaking ground on the plant threat, too.
 
There is a “Goosebumps” book, and eventual TV episode, that directly deals with the plant problem. R.L Stine was a prophet, a great author, and a probable necrophiliac. R.L Stine was obsessed with horror in a non-normal way, which is anyway anyone is obsessed with horror, but this guy was obsessed with child-teenage horror. That just makes him so much weirder. And to add to it, he carried around a creepy ass suit case that contained all of his weird ass horror stories that blew away in some windy ass wind. Just not a stable human whatsoever and I pray for him everyday. Anyways, back to the real problem, the plants. So there’s this one where plants are bad. Well technically, plants are bad in all of them, because plants are inherently bad, but this one tackles the plant problem. This dad, who is a botanist, which is probably the worst job a human could ever have, has all these stupid evil plants in his basement that he experiments with. Dude is just a total dad. Eventually, these plants start controlling him. Now, there is no proof of whether or not the dad just went crazy or if the plants started controlling his mind (the more likely case in my personal opinion.) The dad eventually turns into a plant. Or clones himself into plant form. His children have a struggle figuring out which dad is the plant dad and which dad is real dad. They kill what they believed to be plant dad, but it’s still a strong possibility they didn’t kill the correct dad and plant dad still exists in the world. R.L Stine isn’t going to end his non-fiction stories without a cliff hanger, he is a genius/pervert. Plant dad might exist. Make sure your dad isn’t a plant. Ask him “hey do you like dirt” and if he says yes immediately murder him because he is a plant and do not look back.

Here is the part where things are about to get wild. I have never seen LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS until this moment. I am watching it. This will not be off of memory. I am going to watch this nonfiction film and report on it.First of all, I am very excited Rick Moranis is in it. He is one of the most controversial scientists of all time. He has shrunk children, was in the Ghostbusters, and I guess now he’s about to make a human eating plant so that’s not that chill on his part. The documentary opens with 3 women singing what seems to be the theme song in what looks like a run down city while it rains and everyone is sad and depressed while they dance around. I’m not sure what they’re excited about because this was in like 1986 and women still didn’t have any rights at the time. I’m not quite sure who wasn’t stopping them from doing this but it’s frustrating almost.

Then comes a shot of Rick Moranis just being ultra Jewish and nerdy and dropping plants. The radio comes on and they’re talking about John F. Kennedy’s press conference about the sun. I assume this is before someone blew his fucking brains out. A woman with large breasts who seems like an idiot comes into this shop and just acts like a stupid ass idiot and this fat guy is angry about something or other. The fat guy gets angry at black women because he is assuredly a racist.

We are now finding out the store (probably the previously mentioned Little Shop of Horrors) is on Skid Row. There are a bunch of homeless people singing now. About how life sucks! How about they get a job! Thanks a lot, Obama. We also find out Rick Moranis used to be an orphan before he got his job at this flower shop. He doesn’t like his boss. But he will take any job he can get at this point. He wants to get out of there. I have to assume he will. Because he is now a famous scientist.

Rick makes a weird-looking plant in the window and his boss is mad because it will probably never sell! He named it after the idiot chick (Audrey). As soon as it’s in the window some guy asks where it came from! Rick says he went to a Chinese plant store and when the eclipse happened this plant appeared. I gotta be angry at Rick for saying his hobby is “weird and interesting plants” because that’s a terrible hobby and he’s evil. The people think the plant in the window is “cool” because they are uninformed and the flower shop starts to become successful. God the late 80’s were annoying. The boss dude is now happy, I think Rick is in love with the idiot girl, and you find out the idiot girl is in an abusive relationship, and that the plant is sick (thank god, wish the plant just died and the story ended here). But nothing could prepare us for the unimaginable terror this plant was ready to commit.

Rick sings a song about how he wishes the plant would stop being an asshole. He finds out the plant FEASTS ON HUMAN BLOOD (like all other plants, low-key), and as he leaves the room and goes to sleep, the plant grows. There is a radio show the next day that Rick brings his plant into tell the people about. The plant is noticeably even bigger and stares at a woman’s ass. This plant literally tries to eat a woman’s ass. The plant is already a big enough asshole, but this radio show host is an even bigger asshole. Rick promotes the plant and the flower store. The idiot girl has a fantasy and sings about how she wishes she had a better life and it looks as if Rick is her dream husband in this fantasy. So poor Rick’s love isn’t going unrequited, she just fucks with this other dude because he is rich. Rick isn’t rich yet but he probably will get rich over his evil plant. Rick is feeding his plant his own blood and it’s growing very large. Idiot girl offers to go shopping with Rick because he dresses like a nerd. You find out idiot girls boyfriend is Steve Martin. Wow, turns out Steve Martin beats women and used to ride motorcycles and was a dentist. Now at this point you’re kinda hoping the plant eats Steve Martin because he’s overrated. But don’t let this singing asshole plant fool you regardless of how funky his tunes are.

This plant is asking Rick to feed him humans but won’t just eat Rick for some dumb reason. The plant is literally trying to rationalize his desire to eat humans. It’s disgusting. Now, I took the time to further research this movie, and found out that before the movie was released, for promotion, the plant was interviewed on multiple occasions. The plant ate the interviewers every time. Bill Murray gets a root canal from Steve Martin and gets sexual pleasure from it while Rick shows up with a gun to kill Steve Martin, presumably.  But Steve Martin tries to give himself laughing gas because he thinks it’s funny and ends up killing himself. Didn’t know Steve Martin died but I guess he along with Adam and Eve, is another casualty. But I guess he didn’t really die from the plant. His corpse was just eaten by a plant.

So now, the idiot girl is out of her relationship and her and Rick sing and make out and it’s really weird because Rick is such a nerd and nerds normally don’t get babes in real life. But it happened here. Rick’s boss knows that he chopped up Steve Martin and fed him to the plant. The boss is angry and points a fun at Rick and walks him out of the shop because he wants him to tell the police. The boss proposes that Rick leaves town and lets him keep the plant. THE PLANT HAS OTHER PLANS. THE PLANT EATS THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF HIS BOSS. Rick Moranis becomes an international superstar. He’s on magazines for his gardening “prowess” but little do they know he’s actually a dick-head piece of shit who feeds his plant human beings. Rick offers the idiot girl to marry him and she says yes.

The plant is getting hungry again and calls the idiot girl on the phone. She becomes concerned and decides to go check the plant out. The plant kinda molests the idiot girl a bit because he is also a sex offender and then proceeds to try to eat her. Rick saves her and I’m not really sure how. I feel like this footage was doctored and the plant actually ate them. According to Jim comes along and offers Rick Moranis some weird scheme for Rick to make more of the plants but he disagrees and decides he wants to kill the plant.

The plant has a surprisingly good singing voice, but I’m not sure why they don’t just kill each other and stop singing. And then the plant does this thing where it tries to shoot Rick with a gun instead of just eating him. Which is scary on another level because plants can now use guns. The plant also pulls Rick’s pants off and punched him in the dick which is just cruel. Rick somehow or another manages to shock the plant with a wire and the plant explodes after saying “oh shit!”. Rick emerges from the rubble and him and his idiot wife live happily ever after. Pan to a shot of a little baby evil plant smirking. This movie taught us a few things:

1) plants CAN be killed by electricity but we can’t always rely on that to work.

2) “According to Jim” was a terrible sitcom but I’d perform sexual acts to the wife from that show.

3) Rick Moranis performed tens of horrible scientific experiments in the 80’s and 90’s and no one stopped him because he’s Canadian so it seemed like he didn’t really mean any harm.

Piranha Plant’s are another frightening form of plants. They are from the Mario universe and sometimes can BREATHE FIRE. They grow out of pipes which is just strange. Some pipes you can slide down into another world, but other times these things will come out and eat you IF YOU ARE ITALIAN. Some piranha plants would hatch from eggs, and even more frightening: some could walk. One Piranha Plant was actually named Petey Piranha and wore underwear and could talk. These things are terrible sons of bitches and haven’t been stopped to this day.
 
I have never read the Harry Potter books nor have I seen the movies. And if I have, I definitely wasn’t paying attention. I think these books are poisonous for the most part because they don’t have any male witches. There are plenty of wizards, but absolutely zero male witches. But, while doing my research, my twitter friends have informed me that Harry Potter is in fact not poisonous, and is in a lot of people’s cases, their first exposure to evil plants. There is a tree in Harry Potter called the whomping willow that just messes everything up. There was a car crashed into it and a bunch of nonsense. These trees attack anyone and anything that come within their range, and pose a very serious threat to humanity. I also found out there is a textbook at Hogwarts called “Flesh Eating Trees of the World”. I am trying to access this book and read it for further research, but right now I don’t have the time. There is another thing in the Harry Potter world called a Mandrake, which is a sort of humanoid root that screams so loud when it’s unearthed that it kills any human who hears it. Sounds incredibly dangerous, and we can conclude J.K Rowling knows about the plant threat. I tried reaching her for interview but she declined.
 
In the Batman universe, Poison Ivy is one of the most prominent villains. She is one of the most dangerous Eco-terrorists in the world’s history. She used toxins from plants and mind controlling pheromones to try and protect the environment (because she sucks). Her main goal was to try and protect the environment, and she was somehow in love with Batman even though she was one of his enemies. Does this make sense? No it absolutely doesn’t. She clearly was very confused with what she wanted. She once unknowingly saved Batman’s life because she didn’t understand her kissing power. He first kiss would poison a person, and the second one would be the antidote. I actually believe this is the case with every woman in the world, but with sex instead of kissing. But no one was really banging in the Batman world, unfortunately. That wouldn’t be politically correct. Hypothetically speaking, if I could bang Poison Ivy, regardless of her being a plant, I probably would. That could be her controlling my mind, that could be my testosterone, but I’m here to explain the science of evil plants, not sexuality. Anyways, she kissed Batman once to poison him, and then realized she loved him, kind of, and kissed him again as he was dying, so she accidentally revived him. Like, she loved him, but still wanted him dead. It was a really fucked up dynamic and sort of reminds me of my last relationship. Eventually, Poison Ivy became so plant-like, that she was actually 100% plant. She required CO2 and sunlight to survive. She just used such strong mind-control tactics that she could turn herself into a humanoid-ish form. What a bitch, am I right fellas?
Actual poison ivy, is also a pretty evil thing. Around the end of my senior year of high school, we had to open up the pool. I have a pool because of my upper middle class white privilege. But, white privilege acknowledged, dude… opening the pool every summer kind of fucking blows. We re-mulched a large hill held up by a retaining wall once every 2-3 years. When we re-mulched, we also weed whacked, cleared the area of shrubbery overgrowing my fence, etc. So, this fateful late-spring day, I had to clear a TON of weeds and plants. This, obviously, was my worst nightmare. Long story short, I got HORRIBLE poison ivy right before graduation. In my place of living, Maryland, there is a tradition of graduating high school seniors going to a trashy island that divides a bay and the Atlantic ocean called Ocean City. Most of the activities here include: statutory rape, trying cocaine for the first time, getting arrested, getting guns pointed at you, driving drunk, blacking out because you tried to smoke a bong with everclear in it instead of water. I somehow or another managed to not do any of those things. I had a semi-serious girlfriend at the time. The thing about the poison ivy I had, was, it was fucking terrible. It itched constantly. It was all over my arms, neck, chest, and face. I wasn’t able to spend much of any time in the sun without it becoming incredibly irritated. I looked like a fucking burn victim in every picture (no disrespect to burn victims, I’m probably uglier than you with no burns). The moral of the story is, poison ivy is terrible. Plants are evil.
 
There is a movie that was brought to my attention by a couple people on twitter called THE DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS. In this seemingly horrific movie that I don’t actually want to watch because I don’t want to worsen my panic attacks, there is a meteor shower that is so beautiful, 100% of the population watches. In result: 100% of the population goes blind. Somehow or another there are also flesh eating plants that walk around and feast on the human population, all of which are completely blind. Now, I don’t want to be eaten by flesh eating plants, but if I had to be, I guess I’d prefer to be blind. These plants cause fucking havoc and shut down a bunch of different governments, and I can’t really tell how it ends from reading summaries, but it seems like people weren’t having that great of a time.
 
Alrighty, here is the most twisted of all the things I saw. I will not summarize this completely. You can choose to watch it if you would like. But it is horrifying. Christmas, the best holiday, is now dark. Christmas tree’s are sick of being cut down, and will now cut humans down. Thank you to twitter user, and Missouri State’s starting left tackle @zackcooley72 for bringing this to my attention:

So… I have only given you a few major cases of plants being evil. There are millions more. I want to close off my examples, and now take the conclusion to a slightly different place. Botanists are also evil. I sent over 25 emails out to various ecology/botany professors at prestigious American universities asking if they could make a comment or answer a few questions. Only one, an unnamed UCLA ecology professor, responded with “Is this a joke?”. No this isn’t a fucking joke you piece of shit. You’re as bad as the plants. Hope you planned a fun funeral because your life is MISERABLE. I also put my phone number out on twitter for anyone to text, but said specifically “only botanists can text me”, so I trust that none of you broke that honor code. I got a text from an Illinois number saying “stop digging. you’re dangerously close to finding out too much – anonymous botanist”. He then proceeded to say “don’t even think of posting that article, we can find you.” I then called him a pussy and told him he wouldn’t. He said he has people everywhere, and by people he means PLANTS.

 

In conclusion, I was told to stop digging by a botanist. But I will not stop digging until the roots are on the pavement and all plants in the world are burning in a scorching hellfire. I will shovel through the green that you people call beautiful. I will cut down the amazon. I will shoot a bulbasar in the face with a shot gun in front of his venusaur mom, and have absolutely no regrets. I would like to note that the anonymous botanist thought he had control of the plants. He does not. The plants are controlling botanists and ecologists around the globe and we need to put a stop to this. Don’t let your friend take a botany class. It is a scheme by the government to let the plants take over so the president can decalre Martial Law. Band together, animals, and water, and whatever other things that aren’t plants. Think before you eat a salad. Stay safe, and learn a few spells that harness the power of electricity. Because as Rick Moranis showed us, only electricity and shovels can kill plants. One love. Follow me on twitter: twitter.com/dacmatic